Black and White

I said if you're thinkin' of
being my brother
it don't matter if you're
Black Or White

These were lines in Michael Jackson's Black or White, a song that tackles racism and how it affects humanity. If there are two things I share in common with MJ, it would be his love for God and his eagerness to know people from all walks of life.

Being an expatriate, I had my share of unpleasant treatments but those are minimal compared to the hearty welcome I get from other nationals. As I wrote some weeks back, what you do is something that your kids will pick up and imitate. If you show respect and kindness, your kids would surely follow. I not only tell my kids to be nice, I show them how to be nice to others. I'm glad that as early as now, they look beyond skin color. They are not color-blind but they don't see having light skin greater than being brown.

I took this photo of my older son with his classmates; Austrians, Polnish, Nigerian and/or interracial. This was during their visit at the Schönbrunn zoo to which I went as a guardian along with other parents. I got along well with a Nigerian dad during the trip, aside from him I got lots of Nigerian friends; they are a bunch of the nicest people I know. 

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Being nice is not always easy though. At times, I feel the same way as the psalmist A'saph did. "For I became envious of the boasters, [When] I would see the very peace of wicked people." (Psalms 73:3) I see some being happy and peaceful with their attitude - their spouting racial slurs against others. It's as though doing such gives them a sense of enjoyment while I feel bad that I don't enjoy it with them. It is certainly easier to be wicked than righteous.

At one point, I boarded a bus along with my two boys and there stood a kid with her mom. (I can't be sure but judging from their features they must be from Western Europe.)  We sat on the nearest spot by the door, which is just by the open area where the mom and the kid stood. The kid kept looking at us perhaps trying to figure out what our nationality is. Since both boys got their chinky eyes from their grandpa (from Singapore), they are mostly thought of as either Japanese or Chinese. The kid gestured slanting eyes. I ignored her and my kids not knowing what it meant didn't bother. I don't take offense for that. For once or twice; it's fine but it got annoying...nice as I am I looked at the kid warily so she would get the message, I looked at the mom too but she was nonchalant - a perfect example of kids learning from their parents, if the mom think it ok then the kid will think there's nothing wrong with what she's doing. Well, it's that or perhaps the mom doesn't know what slanting eyes mean and that the kid herself has no idea.  :(

My daughter with my friend's daughter (Peruvian-Austrian), 2009.

I make sure my kids meet a lot of interracial children...I bring my daughter along whenever I meet up with my Spanish-speaking friend and her daughter. I met her in German class and we hit it off as I can speak a bit with her in her mother tongue. She is also a foodie, she enjoys the adobo I cook. :D Our daughters get along well, we would bring them to the park, we would eat together, The two of them would play while my friend I talk endlessly about taxes, our family, our family back home and most of all, we compare Spanish and Tagalog words. lol.

Daughter goofing around with her closest friend, a mestiza -Filipino-Austrian.

My daughter's closest friend is a 6-year-old who lives 15 minutes from us. I allow her to sleep over only at their place because I trust her parents 100%.  Her mom is Austrian and her dad is Pinoy (which people find amusing as it's usually an Austrian dad-Pinoy mom tandem)...I don't easily trust but her dad is one of, if not the most, trustworthy dads out there.

Little boy with ate and kuyas (Pinoys) and another ate (Japanese-Austrian), 2008.

Teaching kids about racial differences means the openness to talk about it. Not talking about racism is the same as you avoiding it. An expert once said that sometimes we think that if we talk about issues of race with our children, we are making them notice race in a way that they did not before...perhaps; but if we talk about it like any other things and positively then they will absorb it that way. 

Telling them that what makes a person is the inside and not the outside will make them look at people for who they are. Most importantly, telling them about God's love for diversity is the same...just like the flowers which were created in different colors, smell and form, we humans have our own beauty and characteristic that sets us apart from others. We are after all created in his likeness, we are of the same mold no matter if we are black, white, yellow, pink or brown.

(My brother and sisters in faith; a diversity of culture from the Philippines, Mexico, Austria, Nigeria, Romania and the US...one Father no matter if our skin colors are brown, black or white).

 I think I thought my kids the lesson well when I decided to live a multicultural life.

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Teaching siblings to watch each other's backs

Kids spend most of their time with their siblings than others. It is in this stage that they develop relationships and skills in interacting with others. Kids argue and have conflicts first with their siblings before they argue with their parents or playmates. What they fight about are petty reasons in an adult's point of view but for them every issue is a biggie! A parent, through positive interaction, can teach each of the kids to view the other person's perspective so that he or she will learn how to be compassionate and control his or her own temper when faced with conflict. By ironing out issues among each other, kids learn to know more about themselves and their siblings. The bond that they develop in smoothing things out will be stronger than a blood compact.

I've always wondered what relationship Abel and Cain had. It would have been ideal if siblings today live with the thought I am my brother's keeper opposed to Cain's thinking.

How does one teach kids to take care of his brother or sister?

Teach Emphaty. Make them step on the other's shoes. Ask questions to make them see the other's point of view. By doing so they will realize how it feels to be the other person.

Don't Accuse. This is not an easy task, I have problems teaching my kids to not assume negatively of others and that they have no bad intention against them. Was I born with a thinking influenced by Thomas Hobbes? The key is to be calm and don't be on either's side. You are stepping on two different shoes too.

Listen. Time and again, what toddlers (even adults) need is a listening ear.  If you don't listen, one of them would pick on a sibling to get your attention. Your 100% attention will also teach them that listening  smooths out problems.

Be Role Models. Shout and they shout, be calm and they would follow. Kids learn a lot from seeing and hearing, so parents should be careful with their own dealings. If they sense that mom is always there for dad and vice versa, they will know that being their sibling's support is the right thing to do.

Play and learn. Going out to the playground, biking, picking flowers and stones are some of the things my kids enjoy doing together. They also like doing arts and crafts. They enjoy each others' company and show cooperation when doing the aforementioned activities. In the process, they  pull out the potential of each. A positive rivalry of sorts.

Arguments, rivalry and apathy are all part of childhood. A little bit red, a cup of orange, a dash of yellow, a teaspoon of green, a pinch of blue, a dollop of indigo frosted in violet makes childhood meaningful, colorful and fun! You just need to sprinkle rainbow candies on top to make everything a little sweeter than usual. :)

Teaching kids sibling respect and respectful behavior

Children will often argue, that's a given. In such situations, respect can still be practiced. There'd be endless fights and sibling rivalry, but when done respectfully it will help kids grow to be much better persons. I tell you or you know for sure, it ain't easy.

Example is the best teacher. My older son asks me so often : "Mama, wieso bist du nett zu anderen Menschen?" (Why are you so nice to other people?) I still always get silent before I answer. Truth is, I don't really know why; I've always been nice and that's that. His question comes whenever I hold the elevator door for others, when I let older people on my sit, when I extend my hand to the handicapped or when I simply  smile or greet someone we meet by the grocery "Guten Tag." I would answer him with a smile and say; "it is so and if you notice people are nice to you too if you are nice to them." He would nod and smile back digesting what I said but I know that without explaining I've thought him by example how to be nice and respectful to others.

Mediate. Even if this task gives you headaches everyday...er...every hour. Stop your kids when they're fighting or when disagreeing over something. Take them to sit down with you and sort things out by talking.

Listen. Hear all sides of the story (I have 3). Listen without interruption and you'll get the gist of the problem. Most of the time, one wouldn't realize that he or she hurt the other, while that other wouldn't realize that he or she didn't mean anything. Talking it out will make them see the cause and outcome of what has happened and learn from it.

Be fair. Easier said than done. :( We're just humans after all. Try to be fair as much as you can. Never accuse one that he or she started it...take the situation like no one is guilty or accused. If punishment is to be given, explain to them why there is a need for it.

Reinforce your kids with praise. Positivity earns positively. Praise them even with the very little thing they did for you, for their siblings or for others. They will learn that when being nice and respectful will make people around them happy, and it is a wonderful feeling.

Patience is a virtue. Enough said.

Learn the Bible with them. The most important among this list. It seems that most of us has forgotten the good book which holds the most effective teachings of all sorts of topics. It was Jesus after all who taught and showed us about brotherly love and respect; no one has ever showed greater love than he that he lay down his life for others. Quoting Paul in his letter to Timothy, "All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness, that the man of God may be fully competent, completely equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)  Try it, their little heart will surely grow bigger!

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The golden rule holds true; Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Simply put, be on one's shoes, don't laugh at others when they are joked upon so they don't laugh at you when you're in that situation.

A thought on Parenting

(my daughter in a red beanie I made for her)

“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.” -Erma Bombeck

Parenting is never an easy task. I've been a parent for almost 10 years now and I know that no matter how careful I'd be, there are still a handful of things that will go wrong. To the quote, it is the one thing that I always get right! I know my kids' names, their ages, social security numbers and anything else that needs to be written down when filling up those forms you submit often...I know them down to the smallest detail like how long were they when they were born...

I hope raising kids is as easy as filling up their names on a piece of paper or knowing their ages but this is truly a responsibility not given to wimps nor the callous. One must be versatile, ready to wear a different self when the situation calls for it. I don't believe that there's a perfect formula for parenting...kids after all are as diverse as each of us are.


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A post for UE's Weekly Challenge for the theme headwear.